I Don't Care if You Approve of this Column

Our six-year-old son, David, loves our approval. He gets a big smile on his face when he makes us laugh. He proudly shows off the results from his spelling test he worked so hard on. During his first basketball game, looked over at us after he scored his first ever basket.

Approval gives him a sense of worth. That he is loved, appreciated, valued, wanted, and needed. 

As adults we seek approval too. We seek it from bosses, coaches, significant others, friends, children, teachers, and even strangers. When we get approval from others, life is good. When that approval is elusive, life isn’t quite so good.

We know what it is like to be disapproved. Our boss gives us our review and says we are pretty average. Or a coach pulls us out of a game. Or a significant other says something that hurts us. A friend seems to distance herself from you for no reason. Your child doesn’t give you the time of day. The teacher criticizes your work. The stranger doesn’t notice you or notices you too much. 

David needs to know something and I tell him this often: he is approved by me. Whether he stamps out his authority on the basketball court and singlehandedly wins the game or misses a simple lay-up—I approve of him. Not because of his performance. But because he is my son. 

You need to know something and hopefully you hear this from God often: God approves of you. It doesn’t matter if others approve of you. It doesn’t matter if you approve of yourself. Success and failure don’t matter either. God approves of you because you are His child. 

We speak as those approved by God. -1 Thessalonians 2:4 

We are wired and trained to seek the approval of others. Nothing wrong with loving others, serving others, being creative, and striving for excellence. But a problem exists: Basing our worth on what a collection of imperfect people believe about us or basing our worth on what we perceive a collection of imperfect people believe about us is a recipe for absolute disaster. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. –Galatians 1:10 

We have a choice. To exhaust our resources trying to gain approval from others that we may never earn and certainly will never keep or to live under the approval of God and relate to all others based on that approval. As far as choices go, it’s a pretty easy one to decide. It’s much more difficult to practice it. But not nearly as difficult as not practicing it.

Are You a Control Freak?

Today we are going to look at our need for control. We can and should control certain areas of our lives: our attitude, our willingness to listen, and loving others because we want to love like Jesus loved. 

But, too much control can get in the way of a growing relationship with God and healthy relationships with others. Here is a quiz I created to see if you may have some control issues:

1. When watching television with other people, you suffer from great anxiety when you don’t possess the remote control. 

2. Your typical order at the coffee shop involves specific instructions such as dictating the water temperature and the ratio of cream to coffee. And when the barista asks you if you want the drink of the day, you laugh at them. 

3. When a friend sets you up on a blind date, you demand to know the name of the person you are going out with. You spend the next few hours googling them, stalking them on Facebook and Instagram, and have your friend at the bank run a credit check on them. 

4. You find yourself finishing other people’s sentences. 

5. Your hair stylist wants to surprise you with a new look and your initial reaction is to get up, walk away, and never come back.

6. You more than occasionally say something like: “If you want something done right you got to do it yourself.” 

7. It is painful for you to ride in a car with somebody else. You question the driver’s ability to navigate the fastest route and you get nervous they are going to rear-end the car in front of you. 

8. Your son won’t wear the outfit you have selected for him. You quickly make a decision to withhold his allowance for the next six years and take away his cell phone if he won’t wear the above-mentioned clothing ensemble. 

9. You love Caller ID and can’t imagine your life without it. 

If “yes” describes your response to six or more of the statements, you have some control issues. If “yes” describes your response to three to five of the statements, you may have some control issues. 

Our need for control affects our relationship with God and our relationships with others. When we can let go of our need for control we can also let go of much stress and anxiety that goes with control and we can open ourselves up to God’s leadership and God’s grace. 

If we try our absolute hardest to control our lives, we don’t let God control our lives. And think about this: you can’t authentically love somebody you are trying to control. The beginning of love is not to attempt to twist others into the image of who we want them to be, but to let those people be uniquely themselves and love them for that. 

I invite us to take our need for control to God’s altar and sacrifice it for something much greater: God’s guidance and grace in our lives. 

The best is yet to come…

Craig

More than Adequate

ad·e·quate : ˈadikwit : adjective

1. barely satisfactory or acceptable in quality or quantity 

2. sufficient, enough, requisite 

I worked so hard on the paper. It was my first paper as a graduate student at Emory University. The topic was economics and ethics. I completed the paper a few days in advance. I proofread it two or three times. I made a few revisions. A week later I got the paper back. I was thinking I would get an “A” for sure. Maybe an “A-” if the professor was being picky or just wanted to flex his muscle a bit. The grade was a “B-” and one word was written in big red letters across the front page: adequate. The “B-” was disappointing and made me believe I was in for a long three years. The word “adequate” got to me. I still remember it fifteen years later. Just good enough. Barely acceptable. OK. Average.

Emory University - Where I turned in some adequate work

This weekend I am talking about inadequacy. Times in our life when we have been told we weren’t good enough. Times when we looked in the mirror and believed we weren’t acceptable. Adequate is tough enough for us to live with. Inadequacy can be devastating. 

• I remember not making a baseball team. Inadequate. 
• I remember not be admitted into Carleton College. Inadequate. 
• I remember not getting the job as Pastor at the University of Georgia Wesley Foundation. Inadequate. 
• I remember being told by the Bishop in Iowa that I didn’t have what it takes to plant a congregation. Inadequate. 
• I remember standing outside a hospital room going to meet with the family of a dying child and not having a clue what to say. Inadequate. 
• I remember driving into a church parking lot filled with hundreds of cars knowing that I was going to be speaking on God’s behalf to the drivers and passengers of these cars and I wasn’t overly prepared. Inadequate. 

You have similar stories. The names and places are different, but the inadequacy remains the same. A boss, a boyfriend, a coach, told you that you weren’t good enough. And you believed them or maybe even came to the conclusion on your own. 

And then I remember Gideon. Others didn’t think much of him. And he didn’t think much of himself. But how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family. –Judges 6:15 God replied to Gideon: I am with you. –Judges 6:16 

Thankfully for Gideon and for us: it doesn’t matter what others think of you; it doesn’t matter what you think of you, it matters what God thinks of you and God believes in you. God has written a few words with big red letters to us: My grace is more than adequate for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 9:12 

The best is yet to come… 

Craig